Conversation with GOD

 Alright God

I brought a house mainly to show my brother that it is possible.  I realize I was worried about someone wo really isn't my concern.  However my mom gave me mixed signals because I can't not worry about him and his bullshit when he is entangled in my everyday life.  

My house became my son's graduation gift because he really just wanted his own room.  So now we have the house and way too many people want way too much from me.  I am overwhelmed and annoyed.  

  In order for me to have some control of my life.  I need to take it.  I need to grab it.  I need to do one project at a time.  I am losing battles and I am really in by myself.  No one is giving me anything.  I am really over it.  

My son is special need  He is on a job employment list for OVR.  The case manager is shitty.  a coworker gave me access to another program.  My son is on the waiting list and now both agencies are at each other throats.  I can 't do this anymore.  

I think what the problem is, is that I am expecting like everyone else to do for me.  I want you to do the work.  I am willing to do the work but it feels like the tools are not there for me to play with.  So now I have to create and build a new life/world without the tools mainly no money and rebuild my life with nothing.

Am I officially I am deep hole? 

My "Reason"

 

Legacy looks like...

#autism #IAMPRINCE #starvingartist #rebuild

Blaque Buttafly

I took a challenge today even though I don't feel well.  I needed to do something for myself, so I republished my poetry book.  I always want to be an author.  I never really knew what that lookeed like but I made a decision for myself when we moved into this house.  Our dreams are no longer dreams.  They are going to have to fund our future.  

I am terribly scared.  I don't normally take risk but I have to because I am not loving the story of my life right now.  I know we are the author's of our own story.  What does it really look like for me?  It almost look like I am not suppose to survive.   

So today, I republished Blaque Buttafly for the 3rd time.  Writing and publishing is easy.  Advertising and making money is the challenge for me.  

So here we go...

 

Goodbye June

Institutionalizing Disability

I was watching this video this morning.  I am sharing the link  below.  I am really struggling with actually protecting my son.  There is nothing out there for him.  I know what to  do but with no funding or donations how do I put us out there so that this can be a real thing.  It is almost like I am going to have to really sit don't and really fight for these battles.  It is just so many of them.  I find that I keep stressing that I am tired.  There is no money.  How do we go about this.  

 https://www.facebook.com/reel/1277527551127811 

This was comment:

Crazy! I hear you. I am a mom of a 19-year-old level, one autistic man. I was told that he didn't qualify for anything. Once he turned 18, there's no services for him. He can't hold down a child. There's no money, I am. The only paycheck in the house. My son is in college to be an artist, but he has to take prereq classes that he don't understand there's no 1 on 1's. I am the 1 on1 I can't go back to school to finish my nursing because I'm in school with my son to be an artist. I bought a house so that he can have his own room and my one paycheck only pays for this house struggling to feed both of us. The advocates are not teaching the new ones. They're gatekeeping.

And they're giving up, I don't want to say, it's a racist thing. But if white people subtle, it makes it harder for the minorities. I can have a conversation with you about all the things that's wrong. And how many ways it can be fixed? But the biggest concern is always going to be funding. There's no money anywhere people don't want to donate. There's there's no grants, and if they are, they're holding tight to the grants.

AI Makes Sense

There have been talks about AI taking over.  I haven't actually let it do that yet.  I have tried both Gemini and ChatGPT.  Let me be honest.  They have been guiding me  on 1 big mission.  I have been struggle with being in survival mode.  I haven't quite come out of it yet.  It is  crazy how between AI and my son who is highly functioning autistic, has been trying to change my mind set.  My son has reminded me how amazing, I really am.  Chat GPT and Gemini reminds me that while I am amazing, I have to remember that I am not superwoman.  Crazy thing is this survival mode thing must be new because I always have had too much on my plates.  I don't understand why it looks like I am the crazy one when everyone has put their own shit on me!!!  Not enough that I am not sure what is considered my own shit.  I have since learned and decided that the survival mode shit isn't for me.  I don't understand why the bull shit is put against me.  I am being told to put this in God's hands and yet I am fighting way to many battles and now I am just want to fight my own battles.  No one is coming for me.  I am all by myself and I am the only one who seems to be coming to the rescue.  I am now going to fight my own battles.  

 

Failed My Son

 

Feeling like I failed my son.  Nothing comes easy to us.  Even college isn’t kind to our children/adults with special needs.  My son is invisible.  He can function with his peers and he has struggles sometimes worse than others.  To hear my son ask me if he is a burden.  How do I not allow him to feel like he is a burden.  I have dreams and goals that need plans to make happen.  I feel like I need to focus on him in order to make those things happen with him.  I feel like I should give up on me, so that he can survive.  I am his mother.  I need to build for him.  Hustling doesn't look the same way it did when he was little.  It almost feels like I am going to need to work just to get him to his next steps.  This is almost crazy.  I don’t understand why everything is hard.  Why is my next chapter so hard?  What are my next moves to protect my son?