Failed My Son

 

Feeling like I failed my son.  Nothing comes easy to us.  Even college isn’t kind to our children/adults with special needs.  My son is invisible.  He can function with his peers and he has struggles sometimes worse than others.  To hear my son ask me if he is a burden.  How do I not allow him to feel like he is a burden.  I have dreams and goals that need plans to make happen.  I feel like I need to focus on him in order to make those things happen with him.  I feel like I should give up on me, so that he can survive.  I am his mother.  I need to build for him.  Hustling doesn't look the same way it did when he was little.  It almost feels like I am going to need to work just to get him to his next steps.  This is almost crazy.  I don’t understand why everything is hard.  Why is my next chapter so hard?  What are my next moves to protect my son?

Brought A House

 

So did I tell you we brought a house?!  I lost my damn mind.  It i s perfect!  It is my dream house.  It is everything I want but I don’t like being broke.  I only brought this house because my son was uncomfortable at my parents’ house.  We recently had a conversation.  He asked me if we rushed into this house.  We didn’t.  I just miss my lifestyle.  Now I need to rebuild and re-create a new lifestyle.  I do feel like we are in need.  I fear I can’t feed my son.  My main job will pay for the mortgage and the main bills.  My question isn’t how do I keep my house.  MMy question is how do I survive all that is in my head and survive in my house?  I really do like my house.  I am on my own trying to survive.

Year from Hell!!!

 

2025 -2026 year has been the year from hell.  I mean seriously!!! Now I have to learn how to rebuild my lifestyle.  I need money.  I need money to pay all of the debt and rebuild my house.  My son had a full time job.  Due to his disability, I have now realized where my son stands. I have so many regrets and concerns.  The School District is not ready for our special babies.  The real world  isn’t ready for our special babies.  He was trampled on and even missed treatment.  The climate manager started to work nice with him but he still would be a problem because he wasn't meant to be.  I am ok with knowing my son wasn’t at fault but now the question I have is what do we do next:  I  have so much work to do.  I need to do adult transition.  I need to do my side hustles because we need money.  I need so much, just to get $800 extra each month.  So much fun!!!

Wonder What's Next?

 

So I take pride in being the only one in my line having a college degree.  Recently mom told me that my grandmom has a college degree.  I am going to let that be.  I am not sure really what difference it would make for me.  I am struggling and very exhausted.  I have a son who has special needs.  He just graduated high school.  I am trying to get him through work and school.  He wants to be an artist.  Anyway, I will get back to that.  It took me 20 years to get my college degree.  I asked counselors and those who had the college degree, what can I do with an associate’s degree in healthcare studies?  I had 3 medical licenses and finally received a college degree.  Recently, I had to decide on looking for an at home evening 2nd job.  I thought I had a useless degree, when I really have a good degree.  With my medical assistant license, I am able to do medical assistant jobs at home.  I had recently applied to like 30 jobs.  I wonder what’s next for me?

25 Streams of Income

 

December 5, 2018

I always have goals and of course they always have deadlines.  I waited til I graduated high school to start documenting myself since my life was getting with no meaning. Or at least I thought.  I had 2 goals before I started the December 5, 2018 Goal.  I failed both goals.  I completely.  I kept going no matter what.  So the Goal I started was for me to clean up what I did in the 11 years while trying to love and protect my son.  So the goal was to come up with 25 streams of income.   To be honest, it didn't do any justice.  There wasn't a lot of money in all of this.  I had a lot of barriers or should say there were a lot of needy people who were in my way.  Of course no one gave that money back. So of course me and my son lost a lot.  In one summer, we lost $10’000.  Not ever getting that back.  So funny. We did eventually meet the goal of the 25 streams of income.  I am not satisfied with the outcome.  We earned the reward but the money was hard to come by.  Prince wanted his own bedroom.  When I started this goal, Prince was 11 years old.  When I completed this goal, Prince was 18.  He is 19 right now.  So in honor of Prince’s high school graduation, I bought a house.  It took me 19 years to do it.   No streams of income.  I have a house, no money and no streams of income.  

Summer Fun

It is summertime.  I have a little freedom till August 3rd. Yes, my summer is short.  The crazy thing is that I have so much life to do.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am a planner.  I am trying to become a realist.  I have been told that I never finish what I start.  Although my greatest achievement is graduating College with my Associate’s degree.  That made August 2024 a great month. Now I have to clean up.  My life, my son’s life, my house, hell even my brain.  My life is as discombobulated as my brain.  Time to have fun.  Summer Fun!

 

Survival Mode Year

 I have had this blog for somewhere to write and think.  I started this blog not with the intention to write and share with people.  I spent the whole year stressed.  Those who know me know that I have worked my past 8 years for a school.  So my years are worked off of the school calendar.  This past school year has been terrible.  Personal and Professional.  The crazy thing is I received a lot of praise because students’ attendance went up.  I recently bought a house at the beginning of the school year.  My son who has special needs started working at the same school I worked at.  That was a disaster and helped stress me out.  My brother and his children were struggling this year due to personal problems.  Financially struggling since buying a house and a thought of my son not being able to keep his job.  Side hustles not making sense.  Now I am working.  Fundraising grants and donations not working for us.  Also my son has special needs.  I know I mentioned that already but there is so much to my son who needs so much and there isn’t any information.  I feel like I need to vent.  Life is crazy.  Mom said that I should start writing like a journal.  So here we go… I guess I am going to have to play all the cards to survive.  Yes…according to ChatGPT, I am in survival mode.  I guess that explains why I can’t sleep.  I feel like I still need to ask the same question. If she can do it, why can’t I?